CHASING THE "MORE"

My whole life, or so it seems, I have been trying to be "better".  In my 20s, trying to be prettier, more successful, more confident, oh, and thinner!  As I "matured", I desired to be...more whole, more present, less centered on me.  I do lots of things that distract me. Eat when I am not hungry,  spend too much time on the internet,  shop for things I don't need, rush to be on time, arrive late.  And I think, "Oh, if only I would me more present, stop distracting myself, stop avoiding my feelings, "be better" somehow.  THEN I would be good.

Today, after being told by friends, how healthy I look, I downed some leftover Carvel cake and a few sundry other things. Plus, if you didn't notice, I am on the computer, typing, writing this, after I said, "I am done with the computer and going to sleep"!  

I noticed myself thinking, 'oh Liora, when are you going to get it?  When will you just feel your feelings, not overeat, not obsess about your weight, not distract yourself with blah blah blah, etc...then you would be GOOD!'  And all of a sudden, something I read earlier hit me!

Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson, of blessed memory, had responded to someone who was upset at their own indulgences, weaknesses, lack of discipline, impulsiveness, etc, and the Rebbe said something I interpreted to mean "me too!...I get that too. That's the animal soul pushing for its agenda".  

As I berated myself tonight, a few hours later at 11:30pm, to go to sleep earlier, eat healthier, feel my feelings more in the moment, and just darn be better, I realized....."Me too!  I get pulled, distracted, and sometimes give in to these pulls.  AND I KEEP TRYING!  And maybe, (as I interpret what another great man, Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi said), maybe my whole purpose in life is to try again. To see the fall, notice it, give it over, and over and over to God, fall down again, be willing, get up again, and try again, and again and again and again........Maybe to expect myself to stop falling, is not the point.  Maybe I don't have to get skinny, or get a "healthy" perspective on the whole food, body image thing. Or on the internet thing.  Maybe I will spend too much time online, surfing amazon for pretty wall stickers, or whatever my fancy pulls up in a given moment, and then will get off, get present again, love on my kids, smile at the passerby, do someone a favor, love myself, and fall, and eat too much, and judge myself, and notice and give it over to God, and feel bad, and feel good, and maybe that's the point!  Not arriving at "healing" BUT at being okay in the mess, and even being okay in NOT feeling okay about being in the mess.  And trying again.  Capiche?

I am going to bed, or at least try.  Good night, Sweet dreams my love.